I had a beautiful week in the outer banks. Murphy’s family is incredibly kind and fun. I was SO happy to spend some time with Ethan. The house was great, the weather was nice, it was the sort of thing where everything just kind of fell into place. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am to be accepted and included, especially considering how unorthodox our small family dynamic is.
I didn’t mention it to anyone. While many people know the sex of my baby, there’s still a few people out there that want to be surprised. So please refrain from using pronouns and names in any comments. This of course is something I struggle with myself, but I’m trying really hard.
I’m sticking with relatively neutral colors for everything regardless because that way I can reuse everything in the future. You know, just being practical.
I’m in a place at the moment where I don’t really know how to proceed. And my blog has always helped, so we’ll see where this goes.
I suffer from that side of social anxiety where I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I’d rather suffer in silence than stir things up or even ask for help. I’m content being invisible, because that’s how I feel I’ve always been.
For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say that I love my life. That I feel content and safe. We live relatively secluded from everything, but also very separated from people we know. I’ve always been horrible at keeping in touch with people. And while logically I understand many of the people I know suffer the same problem, that nagging voice in my head tells me I’ve just been forgotten about and everyone has moved on. There are a few people that I’ve spoken with and maintained contact with, to which I am also incredibly grateful.
It’s been 12 years since I’ve had a small baby in the house. I held on to a bit of things for as long as I could justify, but when it finally got to the point that it seemed pointless, I got rid of it all. So I started this new path completely fresh.
Murphy’s mom and dad were able to collect so many things from give aways in their neighborhood it’s unreal. Every necessity has been accounted for and I’m beside myself. But on top of that, she has offered to host a little online baby shower (since I’m so far away from everyone, family and friends alike). All I need to give her are names and contact info….
And I choked.
I have a couple obvious…. But I didn’t know how to answer. That little voice popped up. “Why would anyone but you anything? You walked away from Florida, you don’t keep in touch, they’ve moved on with their own lives. They’re busy, they don’t have the money, don’t bother. You said hell or high water you’d make it work even if you have to do it on your own, so be on your own.”
It was loud in my head for a little while.
It’s not even that I NEED anything. But working seasonally means being on a tight budget. We have to make everything stretch as far as we can.
We’re paying for the birth in advanced, as long as everything remains smooth. I’ve been collecting diapers and a few clothes here and there. We’ll be co-sleeping, and the big stuff is accounted for. I put a few things on an Amazon registry to for me to get as money becomes available.
So I guess I’m curious as to who might be interested in helping out. Who might want an invite. If so, let me know and send me your address.
And now I’ll probably sit an stare at this post for a couple hours as I contemplate actually publishing it, or just saving it as a private musing. Whether I want to bare the harshness of my psyche, or just remain quiet and subtle in the sidelines.