Run on paragraphs…

Listlessness has set in today. Part of it is back pain… makes focusing on anything difficult. The rest of it is being over burdened. I honestly don’t know how some people handle being caregivers. I have neither the patience or stamina to keep up with it. Get up early, make sure mom and kid are up, dressed, fed, medicated, clean – as required. Feed animals and take dog out. Get kid to school, go to work, come home at lunch. Make sure mom is fed, get lunch for self and boyfriend, go back to work. Arrange doctor’s appointments, take off of work for said doctor’s appointments. Come home, cook dinner, make sure kid gets homework taken care of. Prep anything for dinner or lunch the next night. Make sure animals are fed and taken care of. Get mom and kid clean, medicated, and to bed – read to kid. Get interrupted a thousand times by mom who either didn’t hear what I told her or wasn’t paying attention. And then sit there, staring at the pile of dishes, or clothes, or mess or anything else in what used to be my nice clean house because my back hurts and all I want to do is go to bed. But I have to come in and write. I can’t help but feel if I don’t come in and write, I’m letting myself fail. Get up from writing to help mom who’s gotten up and can’t get back to bed, listen to her tell me what a waste of time it is for me to write. Listen to boyfriend go over lots for sale in FL and talk about how much kid might like that much land. I want to throw something at him and tell him to either grow a pair and let me go, or suck it up and help us leave. And by the end of the week… I’m exhausted, depressed, the house is still a mess and all I want to do is get drunk and cry. But i think I’ve given myself an ulcer because alcohol hasn’t been sitting well with me. For the best probably… better to not add alcoholism to the list. At what point is it too much and I give up? What to do I give up on? If I put mom in a home, my dad will disown me, and shun me just like he did my sister. Something in the Townsend genes, let me tell you, grudges can be held for a nice long time. So that takes the option of selling it all and moving up with him out of the mix. I don’t know if I can handle it all for another year to save up money to get to the mountains. So I sit here and write, spilling my frustration and irritation and exhaustion into this stupid blog – trying to vent, not caring who sees anymore. I used to care. I used to be so worried that someone might see what I’m thinking, might know how agitated or irritated I was. Might know that I was unhappy with them. Screw it. I rarely play my bitch card – you know, that privilege that comes with having a vagina – I’m gonna use to save my sanity. It doesn’t help that on top of all the frustration, and money problems, and car problems… I haven’t gotten laid since November. So much for letting off steam. I need a break – but breaks cost money. Getting away… that costs precious money that would be so much better put to use giving us our new start. And again I tell myself… just breathe… just imagine the cool mountain air on your face, the smell of the forest, the sound of a spring trickling somewhere nearby and just breathe… Even if you can’t place when you might actually be there again… just breathe – and don’t give up. 

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