Brain dead

Really? Really brain? We’re doing this now? Flat-lining when I’m so close? When I’ve made so much progress? I know EXACTLY what I need to do… but all inspiration is gone. I’m prying to whatever goddess will listen that it’s only because I’m tired. 

This entire post is a rant. There’s nothing interesting here for anyone to read… I’m just hoping it will help me sleep tonight. I’m not to the point I can vocalize any of the billions of emotions running through my head with out breaking into hysterical sobs. Hell writing about it sends me into tears. 

It hit me hard today. Sitting there at work… it was almost like feeling a physical brake clamp down on my forward motion. All of the anxiety and stress and crap I’ve been shunting aside since Christmas feels like it’s threatening to explode back out of me.

The overwhelming yearning to see the mountains again, to smell the air mixed with fir trees, flowers and clay. To look out on the horizon and see the rolling blue mountains as the clouds crash over them like waves. 

Then the car. We’ve finally paid off our loan… Now we just need a decent car to buy. I’m so done with mine. I had to rush home tonight from my board meeting and the store because I don’t have lights. I only barely made it. And then cosmos forbid I forget to start the engine in the morning so the air can clear the windows (no wipers of course)

And of course… on top of it all… I’m so freaking horny it’s unbelievable. And does it look like I’ll be getting any relief to that in the near future? Yeah, let’s not get our hopes up. If we’re talking about history dictating things my dear, you had a single bad experience with moving away. I’ve had 5 years of being disappointed. What’s the point of wanting to be with me? Lonely? You want a roommate? Grow a pair and admit it instead of leading me through bullshit and just waiting for me to say enough is enough.

To answer your question… I don’t know anymore if I want you to come with me. Because we’re at the point where enough is enough.  

Not that you’ll ever actually stop to read this blog. You’ll sit on Facebook for hours and hours, but let’s not get silly and expect you to consider following my blog or even just looking at it every once in a blue moon. At what point do you finally say enough is enough? The hardest decision is always the decision to leave. Especially when you have no means of doing so. Is it fair to you? No. Do I care anymore? Not really. You haven’t seemed to put much stock in my feelings after telling you over and over and over what I need. 

Where’s my break?


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