You know… I was going to sit down and write a post about how I just went to see Star Trek and all that… but I just don’t feel like it. I’m drawing a mental blank… The sound of flat lining echoing in my ear. I’m tired, but I don’t want to go to bed. I’m tired, irritated, frustrated, and edging on listless… but bed is so final for the night. By finally giving up for bed… it means the day is done and morning is around the corner.
Another long day full of irritations and frustrations that won’t resolve themselves. Things that I can either accept and just live with… or make a change and move forward… What’s the cost, what do you sacrifice for that break?
So my boyfriend and friend appear to be on the same menstrual cycle. Don’t sit there and tell me that men don’t have that cranky time where you just want to shove their own dicks down their throats and tell them to shut up. So it’s a back and forth over who I’ll be offending and pissing off.
My boyfriend had the revelation today that he doesn’t possess any excitement or passion. So of course I point out that I’d been trying to tell him this for the last four years and that’s why we have problems. He has all the enthusiasm of a creeping vine. No flourish or enjoyment, but heaven forbid you let go of anything – ANYTHING… Did I mention anything? Living in the past doesn’t get you anywhere but backwards – forgive me for wanting to move forward.
I haven’t gotten a chapter in over a week. I want to take the editing into my own hands… but that’s where I lack the confidence. I’ve already read the book over a thousand times – if I’ve missed something all of those times, why in the stars do I think I’d be able to catch it this time? Not to mention the different perspective is a boon. I would just like to point out, you can’t argue that your priorities aren’t where they should be… if they’re honestly not. If I WERE a paying customer… I’d be a little perturbed.
I really believe I could have had my book done by my birthday. A printed copy in my hand before I turned 31. A promise that the last few years wasn’t just a waste of time. But we’re half way through May and not even half way through the book and I KNOW there are changes still to be made.
I had such a jolt today. I got an email from my cover artist with a draft. It was so beautiful. Sure there were a couple things I asked to be changed… but that’s what drafts are. But to see the progress in just 4 days. I almost started crying when I saw it. To actually SEE it, instead of just imagining it. So close… still so far.
I love it. SnowSkadi has done amazing so far. I immediately changed it to the wallpaper on my phone and I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of it since. It’s like, looking back on it makes everything feel like it’s that much closer to being real.
Anyway… I think I’m going to go cry myself out to let off steam and give up for the night. I don’t believe anything creative will be coming from my head tonight.