The universe is kind of a twisted bitch. She pushes us to our limits, redefines where the line in the sand is. I don’t want to be stronger. I don’t need to be stronger. I just need to rest. Let me be happy with a veil of denial so it doesn’t hurt…

But then again….

Pain is life. Pain is the proof that we still have something left to learn. Fight until it no longer hurts because you’ve risen above the pain…

Ok, maybe I’m as equally as twisted.


Starting over

You will never pursue me, never fight for me. I was here, I was convenient, and I made you comfortable. You lied to yourself about how you felt so you could say you never lied to me. But I was never your desire, I was just within reach. You will never follow me, plead for me or put the effort in to be any more than friends. What option was I left with? You asked if there was a chance… But that has always been up to you. You’ll never push out strive to ever be more… when I leave… there is going to be a hole in my heart that will never be filled… But you’ll be no where in sight. But if… if you showed up at my doorstep… if you acted like I truly was the person you wanted to spend your life with instead of taking me for granted, instead of counting on my to take care of you, instead of just working me into your list of friends… But who am I kidding? I know my choices. Live a life being second rate… or try to start all over.

I don’t want to start over. I just want to get away from this place that I hate SO much. But I don’t trust it will ever happen with you at my side. Once I leave, I can’t shake this feeling that that’ll be it. I’ll see you on Facebook, you’ll say hi… I doubt there will be much of a gap between when I leave and when you find someone else. You don’t like to be alone. Only you won’t have any time to work on yourself, to get your own head straight. That’s the sort of work and effort that terrifies you. The things you might find out about yourself. But because you’ll be with that someone new… you’ll never see that all I was waiting for was for you to try. My entire move will be tinged with sadness because I’ll always be waiting for you to show up at my doorstep, even though i know it’ll never happen…

You tell yourself you’ve had enough. That this is going to be easy. What you don’t tell yourself, is how hard it’s really going to be. Sure you add up all of the reasons to why you’re making the decision, the pros and cons. You don’t count on your heart betraying you. To be so lost, so… desperate… and you don’t even know what for. My heart is aching. I didn’t think it would hurt like this. Distance and peace won’t come for months. Until then… you just have to fight on. There was a reason, remember? No matter how pointless they seem with your heart screaming at you… there were reasons. Be firm, it gets better right?