Bring on the sun

I wasn’t expecting you. I saw you immediately. I think I was sitting I  the dining room, still wide eyed and out of my depth. But I watched every move you made, I couldn’t look away. It was almost like I knew you, but I didn’t even know your name. 

What I did know, was that you were hurting and you wanted to be left the fuck alone. I didn’t know why, but I could feel it. The anguish that rolled off of you was palpable, and I was already struggling. 

So I kept my distance. 

I discovered who you were shortly after. You spent most of your time on the front porch with a cigarette and a book. 

So I kept my distance. 

I avoided approaching you at all costs. There were other people I could get to answer questions, and in time I became one of the people answering questions for others. You’d been gone on hitch after hitch. And when you returned, I  almost didn’t recognize you. 

You were still the most beautiful man I’d ever met, that hadn’t changed. But something inside you healed over those few short months. And for the first time, I saw you smile… And it made me want to cry it was such a welcome sight. I asked you if hell had finally frozen over, and we both laughed. 

That weekend changed everything. Well, not JUST that weekend. I gave you a ride, and it was your turn to notice that I was hurting, and I was lonely. Only you didn’t keep your distance. You asked me out to dance… And dear god I almost told you no. I almost decided to stay in feeling sorry for myself… 

But I was lonely… And while I wasn’t really interested in yet another one night stand, I’d been crushing on you since that first day I saw you. 

I didn’t really expect to see you after that night, but I was still lonely… And you actually responded when I’d txt you. So I did. And I slowly got to know you over the next month. I wanted to see you again, and you were up for some fun. It would be nice to have a friend with benefits around till I could sort my life out.

You hit a snag that weekend, so I lent yoy my car for the next few weeks while I was working. We spent the next few weeks together. And I still felt like I’d known you before. 

Some people give off different impressions. Many people I’ve known with depression are like little gray clouds. They might rain, they might just stay dreary. Some are like roiling thunderheads, passionate and deep and desperate… But you were something different. You were like the sun rays breaking through after a storm, taking in that first deep clear breath. Carefully treading on a path of healing. 

I hope I’ve helped you on that path, helped coax a little more sun from those fading clouds. Because I can’t begin to tell you all the ways you’ve helped me. 

I’ve lived more in the moment these last few months than I have my entire life. I’ve learned to appreciate myself and each day regardless of what the storm may bring. Because I’ve seen that the clouds can break, and whether that day be good or bad, there’s a promise of sun. 

At some point we’ve become much deeper of friends. I know we’ll forever be integral parts of each other’s lives and futures. I’m thankful we found each other. And I’m so incredibly excited to see what this year unfolds for us. 

Bring on tomorrow… bring on the sun. 

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Enjoying the little things

Are we cogs in a machine? Threads on a loom? Or are we really creatures of complete free will guided by nothing? 

No matter what your belief, or theory, or faith… we are here. And things happen out of our control or desire.  What we can control however, is how we manage these. 

I prefer to savor the good moments. A few seconds holding the hand of someone I love. Randomly playing in a pile of fallen leaves. Or sitting on the front porch, drinking coffee and watching the sunrays dance across the dew on a spider web across the yard. 

I have my dark moments. When the magnificent shadow smothers me to the point I can’t breathe… sometimes it takes just that glimpse of brightness to remember that I’m stronger than the shadow. 

Seeing the future

I’m sitting next to Rainbow river in the great smokies right this minute. I’m still in ACE, taking my lunch. It’s August, and the eclipse was yesterday… but I’m writing out blogs for September. 

I shuffle scheduling around when I need to… if something interesting happens. But for the most part, I have prescheduled my blog posts for the last year. It makes my life simpler and hopefully provides you with a modicum of entertainment. 

By the way… I forgot to pack my apple today. 😦

I cannot tell you how my time in ACE was. I am not a fortune teller… allow me to rephrase that for those who know me. I am not a paid fortune teller and my tarot deck is still down I  Florida. 

Speaking of tarot cards… I wish I had the money to buy a deck for someone. What I am thinking though is having Terry mail me my unused deck. They never worked right for me… and I always felt your first deck should be given as a gift.  A friend of mine, one of the few I’ve made since joining ace, is showing interest in the art.  It would be a nice parting gift I feel. 

Maybe I’ll even have him mail up my own. With a little practice, maybe I COULD get paid for out. I always lacked the confidence to read for other people, but I don’t know why. I read for myself well enough. 

You know what they say…

Practice makes better. 

Foggy fall day

Winding down after a couple of weeks of nothing. Getting ready to dive back into the real world. So after class today, Ethan and I went up to the park. I played around with my watercolor pencils while he ran around like a madman. 

It’s fun and relaxing. They’ll never win any awards, but I like painting mountains. 

Method

There is at least a method to my madness sometimes. 

I wear trail runners to hike in so that when my feet get wet, they dry quickly and I’m not uncomfortable. 

I buy cheap sunglasses because the universe has decided I’m not meant to own a pair. Granted to lose 2 pair to the same little creek is annoying regardless. 

I speak to bees sweetly. For the most part they buzz on and mind their own business. This has served me well considering I’ve only been stung once in my life and that was because one got caught in my pants. Don’t ask, it’s the sort of stupid thing only I could have managed. 

I dream big, because the prospect of losing my imagination is terrifying. 

Pleasant surprises

The universe has a way of teaching us lessons that we never expected to learn. People have a way of surprising you. I used to believe I was really good at reading people. Turns out, I’m not perfect.  Turns out, even I can be wrong. Big surprise, but no one tell Terry that I said that. 

Some of you know, and some of you don’t, but Terry and I are in a poly-amorous marriage. We’ve had an open relationship off and on for about 5 years. The problems we’ve faced have been mainly from a couple of mistakes, miscommunication and ego. Mostly my ego, but I really can admit my faults. 

I inform you of this only to really set the scene… And because to hell with it. I’m not ashamed of our choices. If more people opened up about things like this, poly and open marriages wouldn’t be frowned upon so much. There wouldn’t be so many misconceptions about it. The idea that any 2 people are so perfectly suited to each other or that they will COMPLETELY fulfill every need is laughable at best.  Ask the couples that have been together for 40 years or more. Was their relationship easy? No. They fought and argued and compromised and had to give up a lot to make it work. 

But some things shouldn’t HAVE to be sacrificed. Like your desire to fall in love. Intimacy. New beginnings. Fetishes. Stupid movies. Coddling. Cuddling. Game night. Empathy. 

Every relationship shouldn’t have to be scrutinized with jealousy or suspicion. Be open with each other. Meet the other people. One big happy family, right? 

Segue finished. 

I learned humility recently. Sure I’ve had my fair share of embarrassment and let downs. But it’s good to be knocked down a peg or two because we forget. I don’t regret asking, but I did gage everything wrong. More than anything I was worried I wouldn’t see this person again. Friend or more, I was hoping to prevent that. Now it seems though that fate is for the best.

The weekend before, someone I barely spoke to, started to open up. He turned out to be smart and funny and easy going. I told him what happened that afternoon just to make idle conservation. I didn’t expect him to get close, but we did, and had a fun night. He turned out to be a wonderful person. 

So maybe I haven’t lost my touch in judging people. Maybe just judging the situations and circumstances. Judging people’s reactions to things. We meet so many new people, it’s impossible to know them all, to win them all, or even have all of them like you.  Just don’t be upset when you’re wrong. It’s no one’s fault.